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Just Your Standard Bull

published: August 8th 2008
by: Michael Sturgess

Bless me audience for I have sinned.
    Did you really think I would stay quiet forever! Surely you didn’t think I would stand idly by and not say a word! Some of you are saying and doing things that have the hair on the back of my neck standing at attention.
    You know who you are! I have been quiet too long. You’ve been given a free pass and it’s high time for someone to shed some light on the issues. I’m conjuring up feelings of pent up frustration and anxiety. I just need to write something! There are too many issues—too many accusations that I need to make. I feel as if I don’t express myself now, I may soon burst into flames before your very eyes!
    Bless me audience for I have sinned. It has been since the Fall of 2003 since I last wrote to you. Far, far too long a period has passed and I fear much damage has been done. I only hope that it is not too late to right the wrongs that have been made—to clear a path for a brighter future.
Yes, I do appreciate greatly Scott Farmer who stepped in for me during my 5 year absence. Where was I, you ask? Let’s just say for now that I left you to run an errand that took me five years to complete. We’ll just leave it at that, shall we!
    And although Scott performed an admirable job, he’s still a tenderfoot when it comes to the important matters that face us each day. To truly fill the space this column occupies, one must be innovative, creative and think outside the box. Your thoughts and ideas must inspire the audience. And they must be backed by sound, rational reasoning beyond re-proach.
    I know, I know—you look to these pages for guidance and you have found them lacking. But do not blame others, for the blame lies solely on my shoulders. Enough of this jibberish! Let’s get on with the business at hand. I’ve got an idea that I’ve been dying to share with you and I can’t hold it in any longer!
Today’s cattle producer is plagued with higher input costs. You know the story—higher feed costs, high fuel costs, fertilizer—you name it! Some experts say many of these prices are here to stay, that we must find ways for our industry to adapt and adjust if we are to survive in the future. Solution?
    LEGALIZE STILLS! That’s right, you heard me. We need to bring back the moonshine stills. Are any of you Einsteins out there that know what white lightning, moon shine or what is termed corn liquor, really is? That’s right—corn ethanol! Anybody care to take a guess at what a corn ethanol plant is? You’ve got it—one great big, giant moonshine (bush whiskey) still!
    It appears that once again our government has bamboozled us out of a profit venture. Sure, in the past, it was all about the “evils of alcohol” and how it was ruining our way of life. So they smash the stills and make it illegal to make your own. Nowadays, you have to have government permits and adhere to regulations to operate an ethanol (rotgut) plant.
    They say that the ethanol (ruckus juice) fuel we use is what they call E85. E85 is a mixture of 15% ethanol (corn liquor) and 85% unleaded gasoline. Folks,  you would find it more difficult to follow the instructions to make Betty Crocker Brownies, right out of the box, than how to make E85.
    First, I’ll get down to the facts. I have taken the liberty of “googling” the words “moonshine still” for you and I found this site: www.moonshine-still.com. On this site, you will find everything you need to know for building a world class “Home Distillation Apparatus.” According to the site, “The still is made from commonly available materials, with simple hand tools, and can be built for under $100.USD.” It does also go further to inform the public that if you decide build a still, you are on your own. No warranty is implied or given.
    Now remember, in addition to the benefit of selling ethanol (corn squeezins) for fuel (or medicinal purposes), mixing your own E85 to reduce your own fuel costs on the farm & ranch, you can also feed the corn bi-products to your cows! They will love you for it!
    Of course, this potential lucrative venture is not for everyone. If you are genetically predisposed to have a sweet tooth for the spirits, I must warn you that you could literally drink away your profit margin.
    Now, before I get all the letters in the mail saying how irresponsible I’m being suggesting this course of action, let me say two things. First of all, LIGHTEN UP DUDE! You are taking yourself way too seriously. Pull that stick out from your backside and loosen up.
    And secondly, don’t go out there and start building stills! I merely make a case to bring you to this point. Somewhere in the future, today’s producers, both farmers and ranchers may need to become a larger part of the equation to solve our nation’s future energy needs.
    And while there are now studies that suggest there may be more efficient sources of alcohol energy than corn (switch grasses, sugar cane to name a few), there may also be break throughs in the areas of hydrogen fuels and other sources that may include the resources producers have. The resources of land, vegetation, water on and underneath your property, and the wind that blows through it may all play an important role in our nations’ future energy policy.